Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
