Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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