I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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