You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
