I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
