omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
