and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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