just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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