Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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