Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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