I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
