I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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