Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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