my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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