Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
