he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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