My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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