My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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