Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
