To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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