if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
