At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
