i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have already put on my inside pants.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
