Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
