Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We are two peas in an std pod
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
