I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Randomize
