I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
