Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
