Apparently you make a good broom.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
