I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
