Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So many bounce houses so little time
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
