i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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