You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
