who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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