you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
