I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
