he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
