this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
