The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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