You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
