Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
