The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
