Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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