saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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