I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
