I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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