I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
