When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
