I want to have your abortion
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
