Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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