I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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